So I finally got home. My sister gets ready for church and leaves the house. In my room, I fall on my knees and cry. I ask god what to do. remember I said 25% of me was still saying trust God. Now that 25% was crying out to the only one that could fix this. I needed to know what to do and why I could not let it go, even though, my head can't telling me to. Still I heard nothing from God. You know the saying "The heavens were quiet." yep they were quiet. Nothing.
After I cried a good cry and had a pity party. I needed to talk to someone that would tell it to me straight. My mind was going a mile a minute on how stupid I was and what people would say about me doing something so foolish. I didn't want to talk to anyone that would make me feel worse. So I called a friend I have known most of my life. I called her also because I knew her to be an on point prophet and would tell me what I did not want to hear if that is what God was saying. When she picked up the phone, I told her what had happened and asked if God had impressed anything on her to tell me.
She begins to speak and while you were talking nothing came to me. I heart sank. I wondered why god would not speak. I wanted him to say where I had missed it. Why this had happened. What the lesson was something. Then she began to pray and when she finished, she simply said, "Check the motives of my heart." I was quiet as I reflected on my motives. I started to explain to her why I was going on the trip. I also explained that the initial trip was not for me to go and to preach, I was going to support Rein. She said that was all God gave her and she could not add to it or take from it. After getting off the phone with her, I felt a little better but still pondered what she had said.
I knew I was emotionally spent so I decided to go to bed. Now anyone that knows me, knows that I don't go to bed until about 2 or 3 in the am. So going to bed at 7pm was unheard of. I took two Advil PMs to help me sleep and clear up the headache I felt coming on from all the crying I had done.
The next morning, when I wake up. I remember the words check my motives and I kneel by my bed and ask God to reveal any wrong motives I had. God started bringing to my attentions grievances I had with others that I felt did not respond to the situation in a way that I would have liked. even though they were small to me and I had felt justified, I knew that god was not pleased so I asked for his forgiveness. Later in the day I asked each individual God brought to mind for forgiveness. The day before I had said that I would pay back all the money that had been donated to get the ticket since I was not going to go. The lady that had given the money said that was not necessary. I was grateful, but I had to apologize for God for that too because that was me trying to play God.
The people that had sown into me God is going to bless them and the money had been spent on what the money was given for. I did not use it for anything other than that. In trying to give the money back, I was trying to save face. I was trying to fix it which means I was not letting God be God.
So after praying, I looked at my luggage and was going to unpack but I couldn't do it. So I went to my computer to start my work day. I found myself on a travel site looking up airfare to Manilla. I saw that there was a flight for 609.00 on China Air. So I called the site to see if the price was still available. the man that I spoke with told me that the price was available, but I would have to book my flight 180 days ahead of departure. He said he would look for flights leaving late Friday (today) or On Saturday and get back to me. I gave him my number and hung up the phone.
About 2 hours later, he called me with information on a flight that would cost $939 and would leave on Saturday at 2:20 PM. He told me he could hold the price for up to four hours. I told him that I will have to come up with the money. I hung up the phone and got on my knees. I needed God to show me how to get the money. that 25% that was telling me to trust God would have to increase to 100% because now it would take a miracle. after I prayed I lay there prostrate before the Lord listening. I wish I could say that God spoke, but I heard nothing.
I got up from the floor and lay on my bed. The tears began to fall and my doubt flooded me. While I was on my way home with Jessica, I had told Kelsi and Rein to pray for me because Satan had started to torment my mind. I knew it was his plot and plan to use this to get me to doubt myself and God. To begin to slip into a depression that I had not been in for more than 30 years. Now once again I was feeling that hopeless coming on. I could once again hear the thoughts that plagued me as a teenager. They were flooding my mind and screaming at me. The difference between now and then was as a teenager, I didn't know that it was Satan feeding me the thoughts of suicide. Now I not only knew it was Satan but I was agreeing with him.
I started thinking about all the sacrifices I had made to be in ministry, the people who had talked about me, laughed at me, lied on me, how I had to fight for everything that came my way. I thought about the double standards I had to deal with, how nothing I wanted mattered and now in my lowest moment God will not even take a moment to speak to me. Is that love? I force myself to stay laying on my bed because honestly I did not know what I would do. I was not thinking rationally nor was I able or willing to hear from God. After about an hour of laying there crying I saw a vision of Calvary. I heard a whisper say, that's how much I love you. Tears began to fall again. I knew at the moment all I could do is trust God. He was my only hope. Then I fell asleep.
More to come....
You are Bound No More.
Pastor Linda Hillman
(c) 2015 LAH Ministries International
Booklindahillman@gmail.com
Get Your Copy Now
Will You Be Made Whole
In The Meantime
After I cried a good cry and had a pity party. I needed to talk to someone that would tell it to me straight. My mind was going a mile a minute on how stupid I was and what people would say about me doing something so foolish. I didn't want to talk to anyone that would make me feel worse. So I called a friend I have known most of my life. I called her also because I knew her to be an on point prophet and would tell me what I did not want to hear if that is what God was saying. When she picked up the phone, I told her what had happened and asked if God had impressed anything on her to tell me.
She begins to speak and while you were talking nothing came to me. I heart sank. I wondered why god would not speak. I wanted him to say where I had missed it. Why this had happened. What the lesson was something. Then she began to pray and when she finished, she simply said, "Check the motives of my heart." I was quiet as I reflected on my motives. I started to explain to her why I was going on the trip. I also explained that the initial trip was not for me to go and to preach, I was going to support Rein. She said that was all God gave her and she could not add to it or take from it. After getting off the phone with her, I felt a little better but still pondered what she had said.
I knew I was emotionally spent so I decided to go to bed. Now anyone that knows me, knows that I don't go to bed until about 2 or 3 in the am. So going to bed at 7pm was unheard of. I took two Advil PMs to help me sleep and clear up the headache I felt coming on from all the crying I had done.
The next morning, when I wake up. I remember the words check my motives and I kneel by my bed and ask God to reveal any wrong motives I had. God started bringing to my attentions grievances I had with others that I felt did not respond to the situation in a way that I would have liked. even though they were small to me and I had felt justified, I knew that god was not pleased so I asked for his forgiveness. Later in the day I asked each individual God brought to mind for forgiveness. The day before I had said that I would pay back all the money that had been donated to get the ticket since I was not going to go. The lady that had given the money said that was not necessary. I was grateful, but I had to apologize for God for that too because that was me trying to play God.
The people that had sown into me God is going to bless them and the money had been spent on what the money was given for. I did not use it for anything other than that. In trying to give the money back, I was trying to save face. I was trying to fix it which means I was not letting God be God.
So after praying, I looked at my luggage and was going to unpack but I couldn't do it. So I went to my computer to start my work day. I found myself on a travel site looking up airfare to Manilla. I saw that there was a flight for 609.00 on China Air. So I called the site to see if the price was still available. the man that I spoke with told me that the price was available, but I would have to book my flight 180 days ahead of departure. He said he would look for flights leaving late Friday (today) or On Saturday and get back to me. I gave him my number and hung up the phone.
About 2 hours later, he called me with information on a flight that would cost $939 and would leave on Saturday at 2:20 PM. He told me he could hold the price for up to four hours. I told him that I will have to come up with the money. I hung up the phone and got on my knees. I needed God to show me how to get the money. that 25% that was telling me to trust God would have to increase to 100% because now it would take a miracle. after I prayed I lay there prostrate before the Lord listening. I wish I could say that God spoke, but I heard nothing.
I got up from the floor and lay on my bed. The tears began to fall and my doubt flooded me. While I was on my way home with Jessica, I had told Kelsi and Rein to pray for me because Satan had started to torment my mind. I knew it was his plot and plan to use this to get me to doubt myself and God. To begin to slip into a depression that I had not been in for more than 30 years. Now once again I was feeling that hopeless coming on. I could once again hear the thoughts that plagued me as a teenager. They were flooding my mind and screaming at me. The difference between now and then was as a teenager, I didn't know that it was Satan feeding me the thoughts of suicide. Now I not only knew it was Satan but I was agreeing with him.
I started thinking about all the sacrifices I had made to be in ministry, the people who had talked about me, laughed at me, lied on me, how I had to fight for everything that came my way. I thought about the double standards I had to deal with, how nothing I wanted mattered and now in my lowest moment God will not even take a moment to speak to me. Is that love? I force myself to stay laying on my bed because honestly I did not know what I would do. I was not thinking rationally nor was I able or willing to hear from God. After about an hour of laying there crying I saw a vision of Calvary. I heard a whisper say, that's how much I love you. Tears began to fall again. I knew at the moment all I could do is trust God. He was my only hope. Then I fell asleep.
More to come....
You are Bound No More.
Pastor Linda Hillman
(c) 2015 LAH Ministries International
Booklindahillman@gmail.com
Get Your Copy Now
Will You Be Made Whole
In The Meantime
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