Sorry, I thought I had written this blog when it first posted but I realized that it posted along with May 8th post blank. So I am reposting.
So needless to say I was confused. I did not know what to do and how to move forward. there was about 75% of me said,"It's over, this can't be fixed. You messed up." But there was 25% of me saying nothing is impossible for God. So my confusion was, "Do I trust God and wait for his instruction?" or "Do I give up?"
On the way back to Stockton, I just decided that I would not fight anymore. I would give up. I needed God to speak and he had said nothing. beside the little part of me saying trust Him, there was no assurance to trust.
So, this is where things start getting real. Now as I write the events that will happen from this point forward, I am being transparent and taking you through my journey. I think many times people feel because we have a calling to preach, pastor, evangelist and do full-time ministry we can't have down days or make HUGE mistakes. That is the farthest thing from the truth. As long as we have flesh and free will we can make mistakes. What I learned in all this is how you bounce back from it.
So back to my testimony, I sent a message on FB to Rein and Kelsi and told them Since I was not being instructed how to move forward, that I was just going to give up and not try to get to the Philippines. I told myself that it was not meant to be. If it had been then I would have been on the plane. Even though God had confirmed His word several times to me through my own personal prayer and dreams, he had sent prophecies from others, and when we had prayer vigils regarding the Philippines no one ever said God said I was not suppose to go...it was obvious that I was not suppose to go.
So now the torment started. I know now that this was demonic and it came to destroy not only my witness but whatever ministry god still has in me. I will explain more as we go.
After I wrote the inbox message to them. I looked at my sister and she had a look of concern on her face. So I asked her. Now my little Sister Jessica, is also very prophetic and I know that God speaks to her. I knew that my emotions were up in the air and I had shut down spiritually. So I asked her what she thought, did god tell her anything. She said, "Linda, I saw god move on your behalf and do things that are unexplainable, not just concerning this trip but how he takes care of you. I can't believe when you think about how you got the money to go when you didn't have it, how you got the medicine and immunizations, even giving you money so you can get a pedicure. You can't tell me that God would do all this just to have you miss the flight by forgetting your passport. IF he is not telling you to stay then you should do whatever he is telling you to do. One thing I know for sure, God speaks to you and he speaks specifically. Maybe you emotions are in the way and you cant hear what God is saying but that does not mean he is not speaking. Don't just give up."
I thought about what she said. Then I heard what the man from China Southern said. So I picked up my phone to call them. On the recorded message, they said that they have flights from SFO on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday to Manilla but they had flights Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to Guangzhou. I knew that if I could get on a flight on Friday that I could possibly catch the last leg of the flight that left today from Guangzhou to Manilla. Although when the representative came on the phone, the information he gave me was different. He said that there was a flight on Saturday that would get me to Manilla on Monday morning. However, in order to get on that flight I would need to call Priceline because they were the ones that I got my ticket from. Later it will come up that I could have asked China Southern to let me go on standby on Saturday's flight and they may have done that with no further fees. But I digress.
So I called Priceline. Once on the phone with them. They looked into any flights going to Manilla. I asked for Friday or Saturday at the latest. She came back with a list of flights I could take but all of them were over thousand dollars and even with the price I had paid for the ticket I had, with the difference in airfare and all the fees I would still have to pay over thousand dollars to get on the flight. I just didn't have that kind of money. Seeing no way out and hearing Elder Smith's words, "I don't want to be where God has not ordained me to be." after going back and forth with Priceline. I canceled the flight and asked for a refund. I was told by Priceline that they could refund the money, but I would have to pay a 300.00 cancelation fee to China Southern.
I tried not to break down in front of my sister. I was not sure if my sister was feeling bad or not but if she were I did not want my state of mind to add to it. I was confused and did not know what to think or do at this point. I can say I gave up and let faith go.
Stay tuned for more to come...
You are Bound No More.
Pastor Linda Hillman
(c) 2015 LAH Ministries International
Booklinda@gmail.com
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