Philippines Chronicles: Lessons To Be Learned! Part 6

So I finally got home. My sister gets ready for church and leaves the house. In my room, I fall on my knees and cry. I ask god what to do. remember I said 25% of me was still saying trust God. Now that 25% was crying out to the only one that could fix this. I needed to know what to do and why I could not let it go, even though, my head can't telling me to.  Still I heard nothing from God.  You know the saying "The heavens were quiet." yep they were quiet. Nothing.

After I cried a good cry and had a pity party. I needed to talk to someone that would tell it to me straight. My mind was going a mile a minute on how stupid I was and what people would say about me doing something so foolish. I didn't want to talk to anyone that would make me feel worse. So I called a friend I have known most of my life. I called her also because I knew her to be an on point prophet and would tell me what I did not want to hear if that is what God was saying.  When she picked up the phone, I told her what had happened and asked if God had impressed anything on her to tell me. 

She begins to speak and while you were talking nothing came to me. I heart sank. I wondered why god would not speak. I wanted him to say where I had missed it. Why this had happened. What the lesson was something. Then she began to pray and when she finished, she simply said, "Check the motives of my heart." I was quiet as I reflected on my motives. I started to explain to her why I was going on the trip. I also explained that the initial trip was not for me to go and to preach, I was going to support Rein. She said that was all God gave her and she could not add to it or take from it. After getting off the phone with her, I felt a little better but still pondered what she had said. 

I knew I was emotionally spent so I decided to go to bed. Now anyone that knows me, knows that I don't go to bed until about 2 or 3 in the am. So going to bed at 7pm was unheard of. I took two Advil PMs to help me sleep and clear up the headache I felt coming on from all the crying I had done. 

The next morning, when I wake up. I remember the words check my motives and I kneel by my bed and ask God to reveal any wrong motives I had. God started bringing to my attentions grievances I had with others that I felt did not respond to the situation in a way that I would have liked. even though they were small to me and I had felt justified, I knew that god was not pleased so I asked for his forgiveness. Later in the day I asked each individual God brought to mind for forgiveness. The day before I had said that I would pay back all the money that had been donated to get the ticket since I was not going to go. The lady that had given the money said that was not necessary. I was grateful, but I had to apologize for God for that too because that was me trying to play God. 

The people that had sown into me God is going to bless them and the money had been spent on what the money was given for. I did not use it for anything other than that. In trying to give the money back, I was trying to save face. I was trying to fix it which means I was not letting God be God. 

So after praying, I looked at my luggage and was going to unpack but I couldn't do it. So I went to my computer to start my work day. I found myself on a travel site looking up airfare to Manilla. I saw that there was a flight for 609.00 on China Air. So I called the site to see if the price was still available. the man that I spoke with told me that the price was available, but I would have to book my flight 180 days ahead of departure. He said he would look for flights leaving late Friday (today) or On Saturday and get back to me. I gave him my number and hung up the phone. 

About 2 hours later, he called me with information on a flight that would cost $939 and would leave on Saturday at 2:20 PM. He told me he could hold the price for up to four hours. I told him that I will have to come up with the money. I hung up the phone and got on my knees. I needed God to show me how to get the money. that 25% that was telling me to trust God would have to increase to 100% because now it would take a miracle. after I prayed I lay there prostrate before the Lord listening.  I wish I could say that God spoke, but I heard nothing. 

I got up from the floor and lay on my bed. The tears began to fall and my doubt flooded me. While I was on my way home with Jessica, I had told Kelsi and Rein to pray for me because Satan had started to torment my mind. I knew it was his plot and plan to use this to get me to doubt myself and God. To begin to slip into a depression that I had not been in for more than 30 years. Now once again I was feeling that hopeless coming on. I could once again hear the thoughts that plagued me as a teenager. They were flooding my mind and screaming at me. The difference between now and then was as a teenager, I didn't know that it was Satan feeding me the thoughts of suicide. Now I not only knew it was Satan but I was agreeing with him.

I started thinking about all the sacrifices I had made to be in ministry, the people who had talked about me, laughed at me, lied on me, how I had to fight for everything that came my way. I thought about the double standards I had to deal with, how nothing I wanted mattered and now in my lowest moment God will not even take a moment to speak to me. Is that love? I force myself to stay laying on my bed because honestly I did not know what I would do. I was not thinking rationally nor was I able or willing to hear from God. After about an hour of laying there crying I saw a vision of Calvary. I heard a whisper say, that's how much I love you. Tears began to fall again. I knew at the moment all I could do is trust God. He was my only hope. Then I fell asleep.

More to come....



You are Bound No More. 

Pastor Linda Hillman 
(c) 2015 LAH Ministries International 
Booklindahillman@gmail.com 

Get Your Copy Now 
Will You Be Made Whole
In The Meantime

(CORRECTED REPOST) Philippines Chronicles: Lessons To Be Learned! Part 5

Sorry, I thought I had written this blog when it first posted but I realized that it posted along with May 8th post blank. So I am reposting. 

So needless to say I was confused. I did not know what to do and how to move forward. there was about 75% of me said,"It's over, this can't be fixed. You messed up." But there was 25% of me saying nothing is impossible for God. So my confusion was, "Do I trust God and wait for his instruction?" or "Do I give up?"

On the way back to Stockton, I just decided that I would not fight anymore. I would give up. I needed God to speak and he had said nothing. beside the little part of me saying trust Him, there was no assurance to trust. 

So, this is where things start getting real. Now as I write the events that will happen from this point forward, I am being transparent and taking you through my journey. I think many times people feel because we have a calling to preach, pastor, evangelist and do full-time ministry we can't have down days or make HUGE mistakes. That is the farthest thing from the truth. As long as we have flesh and free will we can make mistakes. What I learned in all this is how you bounce back from it.

So back to my testimony, I sent a message on FB to Rein and Kelsi and told them Since I was not being instructed how to move forward, that I was just going to give up and not try to get to the Philippines. I told myself that it was not meant to be. If it had been then I would have been on the plane. Even though God had confirmed His word several times to me through my own personal prayer and dreams, he had sent prophecies from others, and when we had prayer vigils regarding the Philippines no one ever said God said I was not suppose to go...it was obvious that I was not suppose to go. 

So now the torment started. I know now that this was demonic and it came to destroy not only my witness but whatever ministry god still has in me. I will explain more as we go. 

After I wrote the inbox message to them. I looked at my sister and she had a look of concern on her face. So I asked her. Now my little Sister Jessica, is also very prophetic and I know that God speaks to her. I knew that my emotions were up in the air and I had shut down spiritually. So I asked her what she thought, did god tell her anything. She said, "Linda, I saw god move on your behalf and do things that are unexplainable, not just concerning this trip but how he takes care of you. I can't believe when you think about how you got the money to go when you didn't have it, how you got the medicine and immunizations, even giving you money so you can get a pedicure. You can't tell me that God would do all this just to have you miss the flight by forgetting your passport. IF he is not telling you to stay then you should do whatever he is telling you to do. One thing I know for sure, God speaks to you and he speaks specifically. Maybe you emotions are in the way and you cant hear what God is saying but that does not mean he is not speaking. Don't just give up."

I thought about what she said. Then I heard what the man from China Southern said. So I picked up my phone to call them. On the recorded message, they said that they have flights from SFO on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday to Manilla but they had flights Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to Guangzhou. I knew that if I could get on a flight on Friday that I could possibly catch the last leg of the flight that left today from Guangzhou to Manilla. Although when the representative came on the phone, the information he gave me was different. He said that there was a flight on Saturday that would get me to Manilla on Monday morning. However, in order to get on that flight I would need to call Priceline because they were the ones that I got my ticket from. Later it will come up that I could have asked China Southern to let me go on standby on Saturday's flight and they may have done that with no further fees. But I digress.

So I called Priceline. Once on the phone with them. They looked into any flights going to Manilla. I asked for Friday or Saturday at the latest. She came back with a list of flights I could take but all of them were over thousand dollars and even with the price I had paid for the ticket I had, with the difference in airfare and all the fees I would still have to pay over thousand dollars to get on the flight. I just didn't have that kind of money. Seeing no way out and hearing Elder Smith's words, "I don't want to be where God has not ordained me to be." after going back and forth with Priceline. I canceled the flight and asked for a refund. I was told by Priceline that they could refund the money, but I would have to pay a 300.00 cancelation fee to China Southern. 

I tried not to break down in front of my sister. I was not sure if my sister was feeling bad or not but if she were I did not want my state of mind to add to it. I was confused and did not know what to think or do at this point. I can say I gave up and let faith go. 

Stay tuned for more to come...



You are Bound No More. 

Pastor Linda Hillman 
(c) 2015 LAH Ministries International 
Booklinda@gmail.com 

Get Your Copy Now 
Will You Be Made Whole
In The Meantime

Philippines Chronicles: When God Speaks! Part 5

So I am now back at my home. I'm defeated and embarrassed. I leave my luggage in the car because I don't even want to think about I was supposed to be on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean right now. 

I went into my room and gave myself 15 minutes to wallow in this depression that was creeping over over. I cried, I screamed and I said every thing I could say to get my anger out. I was so frustrated, I got a pillow and punched until my arms hurt. then when the 15 minutes, well maybe a total of 30 minutes, was over. I washed my face. 

I went to my desktop and at down to begin making plans to get on the Thursday flight. I called China Southern first. I was hoping they would have better news than the ticketing agent had at SFO. However, they did the same told me to call Priceline. I went to their website, to confirm that there was a flight on Thursday. Then I called Priceline.

I told the Representative what happened and they conformed that there was a flight on Thursday on China Southern identical to the flight I would have been on today. Which means I would leave at 1:55 PM on Thursday April 23rd. For the first time since realizing I left my purse I smiled. There was a ray of hope. then the man I was speaking with told me to get on the flight I would have to pay 200.00 change fee to China Southern, $30.00 fee to Priceline to make the change and the difference between the price of the ticket I had paid for and the new ticket.  The total was $463.30. I thanked the ticket agent. Told him I would call back.

I checked my accounts to see if I had the money to pay and all I had was $300. I was short $163.00. So I said to myself, "God this is when you step in."What do I do now? Help Lord!"

Now the ticket agent told me that he could not secure the price and if I called back later the price could be different. It could go up or down. At this point I was not phase by that becasue I didnt even have the amount he was asking for. I had to wait on God. I asked a few friends that knew what was going on, to pray for God's intervention. 

I can admit my faults, and at this point I felt doubtful. I even began to questioned if I was really suppose to God. I had questioned it on the drive back to Stockton and God had rebuked me strongly. He forced me to remember what He had done up to this point. However, here was another impossible situation and why does it always have to be hard for me? Why do I always have to fight for my blessings? Why cant things just go as planned for me?

I knew that Stephanie might not know so I got on FB and sent her an inbox ato inform her what was going on and bought her up to speed with the latest news. then I said, "Help Lord!"

I wanted to post something on FB and ask the people of God to pray like they had prayed before, this would be waht I would normally do. this time however, something said no. I could hear Stephanie saying not everyone is supporting you that says they are. You cant tell everybody everything. The One thing I knew was I wanted God to work this out and I did not want anyone to hinder or speak negatively. So I did not post anything.  I didn't even call my mom to tell her that I missed my flight. I would wait on God to speak and move on my behalf. I did not want to manipulate the situation at all. So I vowed to myself that I would not tell anyone else at this point until God fixed it. 

Keep reading, tomorrow more will be revealed. 



You are Bound No More. 


Pastor Linda Hillman 
(c) 2015 LAH Ministries International 
Booklindahillman@gmail.com 

Get Your Copy Now 

Will You Be Made Whole 
In The Meantime

Philippines Chronicles: When God Speaks! Part 4

So my mother and I hang up the phone and I reach for my carryon bag to get my little purse pouch with my passport in it. and OH NO! it's not there. I look in my seat, nothing. I look on the floor of the car, nothing. Now my heart begins to pound. I look again just in case I missed it. It's not here!

I think back, did I take it in the bathroom with me at the gas station. No I took was my phone and I had my phone with me. So I look again. Now Caleb asks is something wrong? I can see the concern on his face. I keep looking. Where is my purse? I am now frantically looking for this little pouch-clutch purse. Caleb again asks, "Is something wrong?" I finally speak it, "I am looking for my purse." He begins to help me look but we find nothing. I could feel the panic and the frustration at this moment sipping in.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I left it in the car. My mother's car that was parked in Stockton, CA in front of Rein's house. We were in Hayward at the moment. I looked at my watch and it was about 11:50. We were about to approach the San Mateo Bridge so we could not turn around now. We would never make it there and back. My heart beats faster.  we were about 100 miles from Stockton. Our flight was scheduled to leave at 1:55 PM. 

Now I am frustrated with myself and I feel stupid. How could I have left my purse with all my identification, credit cards, cash and MY PASSPORT! I am furious at myself and my embarrassment is growing. I cant blame anyone but me. 

So let me just slip this in at this point. I DONT leave my purse. I will forget my keys, hair brush and other stuff but my purse... That is not going to happen. I guard my purse like fort knox. Especially my identity. I have had identity theft so I am always eyeballing my purse. So to leave my purse that is not me at all. So this now feels like an attack. Like there are forces beyond me at work here. How did I leave my purse? How did I know sense this sooner? It's baffled me. However, this situation has no easy solve to it. 

I call my little sister and asked her to go to the car to verify my purse was there. I told her to call me back ASAP.

When we got to the airport, we unloaded the car. I went to the ticketing counter and asked when the next flight was going out. They told me the next flight would be Thursday. I felt the bile in my throat. THURSDAY! I asked if they had another flight on a affiliate airline that was going out later that day. They seemed to not understand what I was asking. My heart sank. So about 10 minutes after talking to the ticketing counter my sister called me back and confirmed my purse was in the car. I was releaved but disappointed. i would have to miss my flight. This was really happening... another obstacle to this trip. 

I went back to the ticketing counter to see if I could get on the Thursday flight for sure and I was told that I needed to go back to where I purchased the ticket to make arrangements. So with nothing left to do at this point. I loaded my things back in the car and headed back to Stockton, defeated, discouraged, embarrassed and feeling stupid. I could not blame antone but me, I wasn't even being rushed. It was just a silly unfortunate mistake.

This story contuinues so come back tomorrow to hear what happens next.


You are Bound No More. 

Pastor Linda Hillman 
(c) 2015 LAH Ministries International 
Booklinda@gmail.com 

Get Your Copy Now 

Will You Be Made Whole 
In The Meantime