A Personal Testimony Part 1

Many times, we hear that God will bless us in this life. However, what happens when your life is so scarred by your past that any blessing from the Lord seems to be a slap in your face. Well, this is how I felt a few years ago. Miserably saved would be an understatement. A friend asked me if I could accept the love of Christ. I admitted, “No. I could not see how God could love me. I had done so much wrong, even though I understood God’s redemptive power and forgiveness, I somehow felt it had run out for me. However, I did not know where else to go.”  Therefore, I stayed in the church just hoping, my penitence would be enough. How could an ordained Minister of the Gospel admit that she could not accept the love of Christ? How did my life get so confused that I was lost…lost in the Church…lost in the Body of Christ? How did my relationship with the one who died for me become so meaningless?

To answer these questions, I would have to tell you about my life before January 2005. We will begin in my teenage years. At the age of fourteen, I realized there was something unique about the way I processed information. I did not think like others my age. Since the age of four, I lived in a two-parent home. My mother remarried when she became pregnant with my brother, the relationship I had with my biological father was strained, at best. Now at the tender age of fourteen, for the first time in my life, I thought about taking my own life. Not only, did I think about it, I planned it. Some might say that what you have described so far is not a sad story; why would you want to end it all.

When I turned fourteen, I was excessively depressed and oppressed. I carried a secret that haunted me for years. I remember it as if it were yesterday, that I went to my mother and asked her, “Mom, want did your mother say when you told her that you had been molested?” My mother discerning my intentions never answered me. She turned and looked directly in my eyes and said, “Linda, did someone touch you?” She assured me that I could tell her the truth and that she would believe me. I remember the words flooding from me like water pouring over a waterfall. I told her everything. I could not remember when it had started but my earliest memory was when I was seven. She listened and then said that she would not confront the one responsible until he tried to do it again. She wanted to catch him in the act so he could not deny it. At first this seemed strange to me since he was a bad tempered man and this seemed like it would became painful for me. He would surely retaliate by striking me, when I cried out for help. I resolved in my mind that I would do it and take whatever would happen. I trusted my mother and knew she would do as she had said.

You are Bound No More. 

Pastor Linda Hillman