I got up on Saturday, Nick the travel agent called me. Now I should tell you that up to this point I had been avoiding talking to Nick. So when he called this time I answered. the price was still the same it was 939 and I said well I still don't have enough money, but I will try to work something out. He said he would call back around 11AM to check on my status.
Now at this time I had not called anyone expect those that knew I had missed the flight the second time. So I called my Mother. I needed her to give me some tough love and wisdom. What my mom did for me in that call was priceless. She did not try to tell me anything but the truth. She said that I should repent to God for sabotaging his plan with my fear. I was like NO, I did not do that. She said, "Linda think about it. God said he was going to do some great things in and through you and because of your issues with what people have said in the past about you, somehow, you let their lies derail God's truth. You let your insecurities undermine what God said. That does not change what god said about you what he is going to do. I know and you know that you should be there. NO are no excuses. You choose this, maybe not consciously, but subconsciously you did. I mean come on, YOU don't do stuff like this, but you did it twice. YOU not anyone else. You can't blame anyone else for this but you. You got in your own way. So repent to God."
I mean my mother let me have it. She did not say if god would move a mountain to let me go. She did not make any promises, but she knew that at the end of the day, I had to be a clean vessel because God has called me to do great things in His kingdom and I can't be tainted when I do them. When I got off the phone with her I was ready to do the work needed to seek forgiveness and to really let go of whatever anger was building in my heart. Once again I heard my friend's words, in essence to examine my heart. I understood, this was just a portion of the lesson God was going to teach me through this whole ordeal and I had to get it right.
I once again knelt by my bedside and I asked God not what to do, or would he make a way once again. I, now humbled myself before him and repented. I asked god to forgive me for blaming him, for blaming Jessica and trying to hide my anger, I asked him to forgive me for leaving my passport not just once but twice, for squandering his blessings and thinking I deserved his favor after I had messed it up. Any thing and everything that came to my mind at that moment I repented for. I had to even ask God to forgive me for letting my mind go to suicidual thoughts. For once again trying to control a situaion by trying to advert his plan because it was hard. I asked him to forgive me for sabotaging his plan even though I did it unaware.
Okay now back to my story, LOL. I just had to take a moment to tell ya... what I felt God wanted me to say right there.
So I repented for everything. Whin I got up. there was silence. Now I truly rested. This was a depression rest, or a pity rest but I really rested. I did not want to do work, I did not want to unpack, I could not go back the usual. I just rested. My friend Barbara called to check on me. She encouraged me and as she began to encourage me another hurt surfaced. after the call I took that Hurt to God. My heart was no longer God make a way for me to get to the Philippines but now it was God if you come back tonight, I want to be ready. This flight I really didnt want to miss. I began to see that there was a link. The missed flights, and my heart condition were connected. I asked God to help me truly forgive those that had wronged me. I needed not to be guarded around them. I need not to sideeye them or even have thoughts of concern when they are around. I had to release it completely and fully. NOW God began to speak, He began to instruct me who I needed to have a conversation with and he showed me my heart being washed clean. The scripture:
Now, I started journaling about this on Wednsday night. I wrote about what had happened tuesday and wrote up til Wednesday night. to me athat would have been the end of the struggle and on thursday i would have been writing how God worked it all out and now I am on my way to the Philippines. that was not the case and to be honest I had not journaled the rest of this until Saturday night. But I am getting ahead of myself. as I journaled Wednesday night, god gave me what I thought was a Word to be delivered in the Philippines when I got there. It was about seeing God clearly, so you can understand what His plan for your life is about.
I had told Evg. Rein this in a message and she and Eld. Steph said still deliver the word via Skype. Now they had said this on thursday evening but I was so messed up in my head and heart that I could not agree to do it. However, after having my heart cleansed, I went back and said I would do it. I did not twll them that I was still trying to get there. One thing I knew for sure that if I got on a plane to te Philippines that they would be able to cover for me until I got there. I knew that God's will was goig to be done and I no longer wanted to manipulate or sabotage his plans any longer. So I rested In Him.
And the saga continues...
You are Bound No More.
Pastor Linda Hillman
(c) 2015 LAH Ministries International
Booklindahillman@gmail.com
Get Your Copy Now
Will You Be Made Whole
In The Meantime
Now at this time I had not called anyone expect those that knew I had missed the flight the second time. So I called my Mother. I needed her to give me some tough love and wisdom. What my mom did for me in that call was priceless. She did not try to tell me anything but the truth. She said that I should repent to God for sabotaging his plan with my fear. I was like NO, I did not do that. She said, "Linda think about it. God said he was going to do some great things in and through you and because of your issues with what people have said in the past about you, somehow, you let their lies derail God's truth. You let your insecurities undermine what God said. That does not change what god said about you what he is going to do. I know and you know that you should be there. NO are no excuses. You choose this, maybe not consciously, but subconsciously you did. I mean come on, YOU don't do stuff like this, but you did it twice. YOU not anyone else. You can't blame anyone else for this but you. You got in your own way. So repent to God."
I mean my mother let me have it. She did not say if god would move a mountain to let me go. She did not make any promises, but she knew that at the end of the day, I had to be a clean vessel because God has called me to do great things in His kingdom and I can't be tainted when I do them. When I got off the phone with her I was ready to do the work needed to seek forgiveness and to really let go of whatever anger was building in my heart. Once again I heard my friend's words, in essence to examine my heart. I understood, this was just a portion of the lesson God was going to teach me through this whole ordeal and I had to get it right.
I once again knelt by my bedside and I asked God not what to do, or would he make a way once again. I, now humbled myself before him and repented. I asked god to forgive me for blaming him, for blaming Jessica and trying to hide my anger, I asked him to forgive me for leaving my passport not just once but twice, for squandering his blessings and thinking I deserved his favor after I had messed it up. Any thing and everything that came to my mind at that moment I repented for. I had to even ask God to forgive me for letting my mind go to suicidual thoughts. For once again trying to control a situaion by trying to advert his plan because it was hard. I asked him to forgive me for sabotaging his plan even though I did it unaware.
So let me say this, because as I write this now looking back on this situation, I beleive many of us do this. We want so badly to be who God says that we are that we sometimes unaware will allow out habits and hangups to cause us to make decisions that we cant explain in that moment but hindsight is 20/20. While this was going on, I would never had said I would sabotage anything God wanted me to but when my mother said it. It rang true within me. It hurt but I knew I had some messed up stinking thinking that hindered me from giving god my best and doing what he wanted me to do. ask yourself, Do I believe God or do i believe the lies of the enemy? Be honest with yourself. Do you think people areafter you because of your past situations. Do you think you will fail because someone told you you would. We sometimes hear things so much that even though we dont want to believe it, we begin to tell ourselves these lies and accept them as truth. But God is truth and every other man/woman is a lie including you when it comes to god's plan for youe life. Believe God.
Okay now back to my story, LOL. I just had to take a moment to tell ya... what I felt God wanted me to say right there.
So I repented for everything. Whin I got up. there was silence. Now I truly rested. This was a depression rest, or a pity rest but I really rested. I did not want to do work, I did not want to unpack, I could not go back the usual. I just rested. My friend Barbara called to check on me. She encouraged me and as she began to encourage me another hurt surfaced. after the call I took that Hurt to God. My heart was no longer God make a way for me to get to the Philippines but now it was God if you come back tonight, I want to be ready. This flight I really didnt want to miss. I began to see that there was a link. The missed flights, and my heart condition were connected. I asked God to help me truly forgive those that had wronged me. I needed not to be guarded around them. I need not to sideeye them or even have thoughts of concern when they are around. I had to release it completely and fully. NOW God began to speak, He began to instruct me who I needed to have a conversation with and he showed me my heart being washed clean. The scripture:
"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." Matthew 5:9I knew that I needed to make peace with several individuals. From this point on, my main objective was to be right with God. I had made a mistake. I had let me get in the way of doing God's will. It did not surprise God but it had thrown me. One thing I knew the WHY God allowed was still not clear to me but I could not stay there. I had to move forward no matter how this turned out. This situation had me questioning everything the night before. On Thursday night I had been ready to walk away from it all. Today I knew I was right where God wanted me to be. God was going to get the glory for this story.
Now, I started journaling about this on Wednsday night. I wrote about what had happened tuesday and wrote up til Wednesday night. to me athat would have been the end of the struggle and on thursday i would have been writing how God worked it all out and now I am on my way to the Philippines. that was not the case and to be honest I had not journaled the rest of this until Saturday night. But I am getting ahead of myself. as I journaled Wednesday night, god gave me what I thought was a Word to be delivered in the Philippines when I got there. It was about seeing God clearly, so you can understand what His plan for your life is about.
I had told Evg. Rein this in a message and she and Eld. Steph said still deliver the word via Skype. Now they had said this on thursday evening but I was so messed up in my head and heart that I could not agree to do it. However, after having my heart cleansed, I went back and said I would do it. I did not twll them that I was still trying to get there. One thing I knew for sure that if I got on a plane to te Philippines that they would be able to cover for me until I got there. I knew that God's will was goig to be done and I no longer wanted to manipulate or sabotage his plans any longer. So I rested In Him.
And the saga continues...
You are Bound No More.
Pastor Linda Hillman
(c) 2015 LAH Ministries International
Booklindahillman@gmail.com
Get Your Copy Now
Will You Be Made Whole
In The Meantime
No comments:
Post a Comment