That Hurt Me Now You Want Me to Get Over It?

 In starting this blog, I want it to be a haven for those that feel that they have no place to go to share their stories of hurt. Especially those in the church. those that have been on the front lines in ministry and for whatever reason you were wounded fatally by "friendly fire".In the military this is the term they use for someone who was shot by their own. Of course, that does not make it easier to take. It, at least to me, is more difficult to understand, whether it was an accident or intentional. So let me be the first to share my testimony with you. Maybe this will cause others to see that this is a safe place.

I first must tell you that I am an ordained Evangelist with a calling of Pastor on my life. I also operate in the gift of prophecy and have given words of wisdom, knowledge and can discern things. I said all that to say that I am not some fly by night who was saved yesterday and have not had my wounds in the battle. I come from an organization well known and United Pentecostal Church International (UPCI). I attended the Voice Of Pentecost church for 20 years until the Lord moved me, via a few stops, to Victory In Praise Church, where I currently serve. It is important to know that UPCI did not openly support women ministers, however, I was attending a church (VOP)where a woman was the Pastor and it was one of the largest churches in San Francisco. I am sure some feel that God can't use a woman in the ministry to preach his gospel but I am firm believer that God will use what He wants to, when He wants to, how He wants to. He is sovereign.

Now that you know my pedigree. What I am about to share with you is how the Lord helped me not only see that others may be hurting like I was but that I have been anointed to minister to them in their pain.  A pain that I lived with for years. Not only does my pain stem from the church but it also has reaches from outside the church. However, all that I have gone through good and bad, was all a part of God's divine plan for my life. You may say, How can you say molestation was a part of God's plan for you...Well Jeremiah 29:11, to put it simply.

A few years back, I went through the most tormented time of my life and it was by the hand of a Christian woman.  A woman, that at the time, I considered to be a dear friend. She knew private things about me and all those things were used to turn others against me. Now, it is important to say it started with a true statement, I had over heard a conversation, and instead of getting an understanding like the Bible said, I went to someone that I trusted and told them what I had heard. A few days later, after I talked to one of the ladies in the original conversation, I got the information I was missing and went back to clear it up with the person I told. To me, it was over and I never mentioned it again. A few months later, rumors began surfacing that said I had said "this friend" of mine was pregnant and sleeping with her boyfriend. I was floored, nothing like that had come out of my mouth and what I had said was not even close to it. So, my pastor approached me and asked me if I had said this. I denied it and told him what I had said.

I could tell that he was skeptical of my words and said that we would have a meeting. (He, my accusers, and me). I agreed to the meeting. I will just let you know that meeting never happened but the rumors of what I said grew and grew. Now I take responsibility for what I did but I also did clear it up or so I thought. The real pain came in when they used my mother to speak against me. She, my mother, trying not to be dishonest in any matter told them things that were confidential between she and I because she did not want to seem like she was withholding anything. Now my mother gets nervous under pressure and she will forget to say important things and after think, "Man I should have said this or that." So you can only imagine, she forgot to say things and in her zeal to clear my name she gave them the ammunition to cause more damage.

Long story short, my friend went to others in the church and began to spread her side of the story and asking them had they heard me say things about her. They all said no! They even admitted, that her approaching them to tell them what I said was the first that they had heard it. When I got wind of it, I went to God, upset to put it nicely. I wanted revenge and I wanted it quickly. For months this misunderstanding went on and on. No meeting was ever scheduled to bring us all together to clear it up. I never got my day in court, you can say. So it went on and on,

One day she approached me and said she wanted to ask some questions. She asked the questions and I answered them honestly and truthfully. She then told me that she understood everything and that there was no reason for us to have a meeting it was all a big misunderstanding. However, my name was mud. I had no means of restoring my name. She had weaved a web that I was trapped in. I became sick. I started getting migraines, which I had not gotten for 10 years. I fell into depression, I did not want to leave my house the only time I left was to go to church and work.

Even though we supposedly had talked everything out, there was still things being said. The worst thing was that many other things started happening. It seemed I was always being called into the Pastor's office about something I said incorrectly to a member of the church, they were hurt by my words. Reflecting back I see now that hurt people; will hurt others and I am sure that many people felt my wrath not because they had done something wrong but because I was hurting and no one was offering me a safe haven to heal from the wounds that had occurred. It started to affect my ministry, during this time I had been an ordained Minister of the Gospel so my ministry so suffering right along with my soul, heart and mind.

Now I must admit I am only giving the high points so this blog doesn't become an ebook, but let me say this. It was blow after blow. I suffered many things at the hands of several people during this time. I would cry myself to sleep every night I wanted to defend my self but God told me no. I prayed and fasted. I became bitter towards God, how could God that loved me allow this to happen to me. Then the answer came about three years after all this had taken place, I was sitting in the sanctuary waiting for Bible Study to start and God spoke to me clearly, "Linda, you are doing all that you know how to live for me yet, if you don't change your path it will lead you to hell." The tears began to flow and I knew I could not make excuses any longer. That was my wake up call. I went from prayer line to prayer line looking for someone to help me get through this turmoil in my soul and I found no one that would. Most of them told me, "It happens, just get over it. You are a Minister, shame on you for not allowing God to work in your life." Needless to say, I was backed in the corner, so I turned to the one person I knew that could help me. God.


You are Bound No More.

Pastor Linda Hillman 

My Process (Revelation)

First you must realize that scars are reminders of what you have been through but scars don't hurt. wounds on the other hand, well that is a different story. If you can think about your hurt and still feel the pain, you are not experiencing a scar but a wound.

That is where I found myself in 2005. I thought I had forgiven those that had hurt me. I thought I had healed but I was making decision based on that pain - those wounds. Remember in my last post I said that God spoke to me and made it clear that my bitterness, hatred, strife, meanness was a slippery slope to hell. Well, that was the beginning of the end for me. I knew a change had to be made. I was not sure how to change but God spoke to me about commitment to Him and His word. Now I had thought I was committed to God, so how could God want more commitment from me. I was preaching and teaching his word, how much more did I need to commit to His Word? This is when I realized that you can be in church and not be saved. Let me explain. I loved the Lord and I knew how to pray. I sang in the choir, I preached the truth, God spoke to me. I had the Holy Ghost could speak in tongues for hours, I was baptized and believe me I had confessed Jesus and him crucified for years. However if you would have asked me what my relationship with God looked like, I would have told you all those things and still not answered the question. Why? Because my relationship was no existent. I knew of God, I heard about him but I did not know him for myself. I could recite the stories about him but I did not believe it for me.

I was too busy nursing my pain. I wanted to remain the victim so even God could not reach me. I was broken and not willing to heal. Moreover, I was hurting God and his people. I was a spiritual bully. I judged others because I was intellectual in my experience with God and I thought that made me better than the rest. The girl that had gone through so much abuse in my life, had now become the abuser. Now you see why God said I was on a slippery slope?

However, when god started to get through to me, I knew a change was needed. This girl had to hit rock bottom and believe me, I did just that. That's when true deliverance came and my healing process began. I am so much better for it too. I still have my flashbacks and moments of taking one step back but God is always there prodding me forward. He has sent wonderful people to me to help me and show me the way.

I pray that I become a beacon of light to others.

You are Bound No More.

Pastor Linda Hillman 

A Women Healed of Life's Experience

The one thing we need but many of us struggle to get is respect. In life, we will go through some hard times and if we are lucky, we will be able to come out on the winning side. However, what about the one that are caught in the cracks. Is there hope for the woman whose been abused (emotionally, mentally, physically or socially)? Who is there to let that woman know there is hope in her hopeless situation? 

We hear so much about sisterhood yet we are set apart. We gossip about one another, steal each other's men and if we get the chance, we will ruin another reputation so we look good. Now does this sound like sisterhood?

There is a story about a woman, who as a teenager suffered being molested, verbally abused and lived in a house of raging with domestic violence. This woman grew up with anger issues and never tried to deal with them. She had relationship after relationship fail. One day she came to the realization that the life she was living was just a shadow of what could be. She did not have to live with the pain, frustration and depression. She could rise above it. She could be free. However, she knew that wit would take some restoration of her inner emotions. She would have to learn how to look at life differently, not using her own reasoning because it was skewed and fragile.

She sought help from counselors and coaches that help her see past the hurt, habits and hang-ups. She was able to start a relationship on a healthy note and those negative friends – well she was able to influence them to be more positive. This did not happen over night it only started with a single step.

The first step can be the hardest however, if you are truly ready for healing to occur in your life then you will allow this step to take place, including removing all negative and unhealthy influences in your life. Many times, it is what we allow in our lives that hinder us the most. The woman mentioned above had to deal with the past in order to maintain her present and secure her future.We learned in history that if we do not learn from history it is bound to repeat itself. Well, this is true even in our lives. If we are not willing to learn from bad decisions, our fears, our failure and, even more importantly, our successes then we are bound to repeat them. Dr. Susan Jeffers says, “Life is not a struggle but an opportunity”. Additionally, you only get a single opportunity to make it count. Do not live with regret and remorse. Not to make light of the experiences you have been through, Nevertheless, if she can learn to let go of the pain and anger, then why not you? 

You are Bound No More. 

Pastor Linda Hillman 
(c) 2015 Living Above Hurt Ministries 

A Personal Testimony Part 4

This brings me to the next step I must admit my process started and stopped a few times, at this point. I did not want to relive the memories of what I went through as a child or young adult. Without that walk down memory lane and journaling exactly how I felt at given moments I would not have been able to release it the way I needed to. Almost a year before going through this process, a dear friend of mine tried to take me through this process and it backfired on him. He got to a point that he could not handle it. I prided myself in his defeat. I thought to myself that will teach him to fool with me. What I did not realize was this was God’s first attempt at taking me through this process but again I had not realized that I was the problem. After going through this process with God, I am thankful that my friend was willing to try to walk me through this. Even as I write this book, I realize that I need to go back to him and ask for his forgiveness. I was not rude to him at all but I was not open to what he was trying to walk out because God had put it on his heart.

There will be a time of brokenness as you deal with the emotions that stem from you remembering each piece part. However, this time of brokenness is needed. In order for truly wholeness to come sometimes you have be fall on the rock Christ Jesus and let him break up the fallow ground.

That is when I realized that this process does not end. It is ever evolving if you will. As new things surface you deal with them but the woman with the issue of blood had to say aloud what had happened to her. She had to tell the truth. She had to risk people smirking and laughing at her. She had to risk being scorned or ridiculed. The words of her story had to be told by her and relived so others would find the same path to healing. As she spoke the words, I believe that she realized it was over. She was not the same woman she was when she approached Jesus. This was her painful story. She experienced it. God needed her testimony. That seems strange to say God needed her testimony but it is true. He needed the people to hear her speak about her life. Those that knew her heard and could bare witness to her story. No one can tell your story like you.

When she finished, Jesus affirmed it all. He said because of your faith be made whole. He also, told her to walk in peace and be whole from her plague. You will start to feel different; God himself will affirm changes in you.

Once this process, is in progress you will see that it is a never-ending process. You will uncover things at each level that you will need to be set free from. The greatest thing is that you will be able to tell others what you have gone through and how god has changed you. I now give true hope to others because I understand this process. I have been made whole and want to take all those in need of the same healing along with me.

Life will bring great trials and tribulations. People will hurt you. You may have to suffer some things, but I have found that this process is a sure one to help me through every situation. God is always there to remove the scars, take away the pain and make me completely whole again.

You are Bound No More. 

Pastor Linda Hillman 
(c) 2015 Living Above Hurt Ministries  

A Personal Testimony Part 3

While there in Loomis, I had a dream (vision): I was standing in a dark room and the face of Jesus appeared to me. Although I could not see any specific characteristics, I knew it was Jesus. His face was so close that I could have reached out and touched it while still feeling the backside of my own hand against my face. He spoke and said, “Linda, I love you. I died for you. I want you to prophesy, preach and teach My Word.” When I awoke, I remembered shaking and feeling the love, I needed. I shared my vision with no one. I was not ready, not with so much hate in my heart. Later I did, return to God and accepted the calling he placed on my life. For the most part it was a wonderful feeling helping others through their hurt and understanding God’s love. The only problem was I was not practicing what I was preaching. I was still angry with God for not protecting me as a child.

My life was just a vapor of what it could be until January of 2005. I was tired of crying myself to sleep. I wanted to experience the God I had read about. I wanted to be complete. I wanted to be the woman He created me to be. I went to him in prayer and I asked to experience Jesus like never before, I was not satisfied to go to church, preach, teach, sing and pretend anymore. I wanted to be delivered. That night I did not sleep. I prayed all night. God directed me to Mark 5:25-35. When I read this account of the woman with the issue of blood, I understand the process I needed to go through to be completely made whole. I began to study this passage, and God showed me clearly, what I needed to do. I brought a journal and began to write everything down, my emotions, my thoughts, my actions, and most importantly my revelations.

The process is simple, the steps are needed and I guarantee that if you step out on faith, you will touch the hem of his garment. First, just as the woman did, we must realize that we need a savior. In our world, we are taught as children to be strong and to take care of ourselves. People say things such as: “Don’t let any one push you around.” “If you don’t love yourself no one else will.” “If you don’t take it, someone else will.” All these are true to a certain extinct, in the whole process you have to be a bit selfish when it comes to becoming WHOLE, in that you will not let anyone stop your process, however YOU cannot do it God has to start and complete the process. In this case, He does care for YOU.

Now that you have realized your need for Christ to step on the scene, the next step is lay aside your pride. Pride is a huge problem when it comes to God. He does not like it one bit. He actually loathes it. It will cause some undue pain and drama if you cannot relinquish your pride and surrender to God. The Bible says that pride goes before a fall. Therefore, if you are not able to let your pride go, you will have to be broken. In the Christian world, there is a saying, “fall on the rock, which is Christ Jesus, and be broken before the rock falls on you and you are crushed.” I am not sure who first said this but I can say this: that person must have lived that to even give such vivid imagery. Who said we could not learn from the mistakes of others. There is not a lot to say here. Let go of pride and let God begin the process.

You are Bound No More. 

Pastor Linda Hillman 

A Personal Testimony Part 2

The next morning, I was shocked when I looked at my face and there was no sign of the struggle I had been through the night before. I left the house in a daze and went to school. I knew that I was not going to be alone in the house with him, so I planned on cutting my last two classes and staying with my friends until I knew he had left for work. Returning home, there was a note to call my mother in his handwriting. When I called, I got home by a certain time each day, no exceptions, and no excuses. I was infuriated; naturally, she had not considered what transpired the night before. She was signing my death certificate. How could she pressurize me with such a stipulation? The security I experienced previously suddenly dissolved. I instantly feared for my life. As I started on my chores, I deliberated how I would exterminate my own life. At first, it was because I would not allow him to slay me. Indubitably, it developed into; who cared about me anyway, not even my own mother cared for my safety.

Lost in my thoughts of despair and planning how I would do the unmentionable, I could feel the helplessness washing over me. The next day I went to school and came home just as my mother ordered me. When I got there, he was there waiting fro me. He mentioned that he was missing some marijuana. I was not concerned with this because I did not smoke, drink or do drugs. Priding myself in this, I heard him say, “I know you took it and I am going to show you what happens to people who steal.” Wait did I hear that right, I was being accused of stealing and He was going to punish me for it. This must be a joke. I told him that he could not touch me and I would call my mother. He just laughed and explained he had told my mother and she had given him permission, for lack of a better word, to do what he deemed necessary. My heart fell once again, Could not she see through this. It was obvious to me. This was retaliation for my telling her I had been molested at his hands. I could feel my heart pounding. I started to search the room for something to protect myself. Even if that meant, actually taking my own life. I would not allow him to harm me. Before I could get a good planned mapped out he was hitting me with a belt. Swinging it wildly and letting it hit me where it landed. I screamed in agony, I yelled and tears flowed. It seemed to be happening in slow motion and the strikes from the belt seemed more intense and painful. Suddenly the phone rang. I ran to pick it up thinking it was my mother and she had realized what she’d done and was calling to stop him. Instead it was my next-door neighbor, they were hearing the commotion and wanted to know if I was all right. He took the phone and said everything was fine. However, I think this made him become a bit aware that he could not hurt me because there were witnesses. Therefore, he hit me a few times more and then stopped. When he left for work, my next-door neighbor came over to see if I was “still alive,” she’d confessed. I was even angrier. I turned my back on God, because how could God allow this to happen to me. I was just 7 when I remembered it first happening and now seven years later I was still tormented by actions, I had not invited nor wanted. It was not my decision to go through this. Why me?

In December, I was an awful mess. I had been cutting school more often, getting into fights. Everything I did was out of anger. I was not a happy carefree teenager, the things that other teens wanted and liked to do, did not interest me. Friends in Loomis, CA asked me to come up there for a few days. My mother said I could go and so I went. When I got there, I was this BIG city girl in a cow town. Loomis was like nothing I had ever seen before. I was more miserable and wanted to go home. However, I wanted to be away from the madness of my life.

You are Bound No More. 

Pastor Linda Hillman

A Personal Testimony Part 1

Many times, we hear that God will bless us in this life. However, what happens when your life is so scarred by your past that any blessing from the Lord seems to be a slap in your face. Well, this is how I felt a few years ago. Miserably saved would be an understatement. A friend asked me if I could accept the love of Christ. I admitted, “No. I could not see how God could love me. I had done so much wrong, even though I understood God’s redemptive power and forgiveness, I somehow felt it had run out for me. However, I did not know where else to go.”  Therefore, I stayed in the church just hoping, my penitence would be enough. How could an ordained Minister of the Gospel admit that she could not accept the love of Christ? How did my life get so confused that I was lost…lost in the Church…lost in the Body of Christ? How did my relationship with the one who died for me become so meaningless?

To answer these questions, I would have to tell you about my life before January 2005. We will begin in my teenage years. At the age of fourteen, I realized there was something unique about the way I processed information. I did not think like others my age. Since the age of four, I lived in a two-parent home. My mother remarried when she became pregnant with my brother, the relationship I had with my biological father was strained, at best. Now at the tender age of fourteen, for the first time in my life, I thought about taking my own life. Not only, did I think about it, I planned it. Some might say that what you have described so far is not a sad story; why would you want to end it all.

When I turned fourteen, I was excessively depressed and oppressed. I carried a secret that haunted me for years. I remember it as if it were yesterday, that I went to my mother and asked her, “Mom, want did your mother say when you told her that you had been molested?” My mother discerning my intentions never answered me. She turned and looked directly in my eyes and said, “Linda, did someone touch you?” She assured me that I could tell her the truth and that she would believe me. I remember the words flooding from me like water pouring over a waterfall. I told her everything. I could not remember when it had started but my earliest memory was when I was seven. She listened and then said that she would not confront the one responsible until he tried to do it again. She wanted to catch him in the act so he could not deny it. At first this seemed strange to me since he was a bad tempered man and this seemed like it would became painful for me. He would surely retaliate by striking me, when I cried out for help. I resolved in my mind that I would do it and take whatever would happen. I trusted my mother and knew she would do as she had said.

You are Bound No More. 

Pastor Linda Hillman 

What Matters Most is How Come

Many of us say this phrase after we have come out of a trial or hardship, “What the Devil meant for evil...” However, do we really believe this? What if you are still in the midst of your trial, can you say this phrase? Can you claim the victory even then? Do you ask “Why” me, why did I have to suffer? Do you harbor bitterness and unforgiveness? I know I did too, listen to my testimony and be set free. 

I was going through a time of just feeling empty. I had a good life, if I say so myself. I was working, had transportation, a roof over my head, a good church family, and people who cared for and loved me but I could not enjoy it because I was too busy wondering about all the negative things going on in my life. I was dealing with emotional scarring that had taken over my life. I remember falling into deep depressions and having manic mood swings. One day I would be higher than a kite feeling good about life and next I would be lower than the grave. I had lived this way for most of my life. I felt hopeless and lost, even with Christ in my life. My question was always, “Why did God allow this in my life? Why would He allow the test and trials to happen to me, His child?” I had tried to overcome them on my own. I had tried to do what the Bible said but to no avail. The reason being it was done in my own strength. I could not do it and the sad thing was I was not willing to give it over to God either. In many ways, you can say that I was content to live miserably saved. Now what kind of salvation is that? 

In your situation, you may be on the brink of your breakthrough and you need to understand that forgiveness for those that tried to take you out IS needed. Let God be God and let Him handle your enemies. You love them and pray for them. You stand firm on God's promises and GET UP! Though you may be down however, you are not out, GET UP! You may be hurting, GET UP! You may be questioning “Why”, GET UP! This is not the time for giving up but for getting up. God has not forgotten His promises to you and He is faithful to complete and bring them to fruition. Get up girl; your destiny is calling you! 

You are Bound No More. 

Pastor Linda Hillman 
(c) 2015 Living Above Hurt Ministries 

Living in Peril Times - Transformed Lives Part 2

"If we cannot discover how to change people, there is no hope for saving the world from ultimate collapse." Ray C. Stedman

You may remember that in 1972, a group of international industrial leaders and thinkers came together to form what was known as the "The Club of Rome". This meeting bought about six suggestions or proposals if you will, that we humans should put into practice if we are to survive on this planet. Let me share one, this is very thought provoking, at least to me, Here is it:

The survival of this planet necessitates new forms of thinking that will led to a fundamental revision of human behavior and, by implication, of the entire fabric of present-day society.

Huh? well, let me put it simply, Ray C Stedman's quote says it best. When you read Thessalonians chapter 1, you see that they were living in peril times. they were a young church and they needed change. Just like we now live in perilous times and we need a change. the gospel really is needed if we are going to see His face in peace.

We need to find was to fundamentally change people. Again, this is where the church needs to understand that we cannot continue to operate as church as usual, when the world is in a spin-out tumble with destruction. We have the gospel that can change a life and we instead choose to remain the same and do what ever feels good to us. In the meantime hurting others and causing more damage than healing.

Paul wrote to the church of Thessalonica about the good news because they realized that the good news was life changing and could transform their reality. People now a days are looking for something that is real and that can transplant them from misery to victory. They don't want more pain in their lives. what it is they want is to know that through faith, hope and trust that they can experience joy.  I would ask that you read Thessalonians  book 1 and 2 and get a clear understanding of their times and what Paul was truly saying to them about being able to transform lives and bring hope. I mean if we are not provoking people to live according to their purpose and walk in their destiny. then what exactly are we doing?

It's time we ask ourselves, is my pain really something I cant forgive? If I have caused pain, is it really okay for me to walk without apologizing for the suffering and emotional turmoil I caused? If we are to truly transform lives we must start with "the man in the mirror". Next week we will continue to talk about transformation, My prayer is that it will begin with me and spread like a forest fire out of control and all those that read this blog and that we will begin to revolutionize the Body of Christ!

You are Bound No More. 

 Pastor Linda Hillman 

(c) 2014 Living Above Hurt Ministries