In starting this blog, I want it to be a haven for those that feel that they have no place to go to share their stories of hurt. Especially those in the church. those that have been on the front lines in ministry and for whatever reason you were wounded fatally by "friendly fire".In the military this is the term they use for someone who was shot by their own. Of course, that does not make it easier to take. It, at least to me, is more difficult to understand, whether it was an accident or intentional. So let me be the first to share my testimony with you. Maybe this will cause others to see that this is a safe place.
I first must tell you that I am an ordained Evangelist with a calling of Pastor on my life. I also operate in the gift of prophecy and have given words of wisdom, knowledge and can discern things. I said all that to say that I am not some fly by night who was saved yesterday and have not had my wounds in the battle. I come from an organization well known and United Pentecostal Church International (UPCI). I attended the Voice Of Pentecost church for 20 years until the Lord moved me, via a few stops, to Victory In Praise Church, where I currently serve. It is important to know that UPCI did not openly support women ministers, however, I was attending a church (VOP)where a woman was the Pastor and it was one of the largest churches in San Francisco. I am sure some feel that God can't use a woman in the ministry to preach his gospel but I am firm believer that God will use what He wants to, when He wants to, how He wants to. He is sovereign.
Now that you know my pedigree. What I am about to share with you is how the Lord helped me not only see that others may be hurting like I was but that I have been anointed to minister to them in their pain. A pain that I lived with for years. Not only does my pain stem from the church but it also has reaches from outside the church. However, all that I have gone through good and bad, was all a part of God's divine plan for my life. You may say, How can you say molestation was a part of God's plan for you...Well Jeremiah 29:11, to put it simply.
A few years back, I went through the most tormented time of my life and it was by the hand of a Christian woman. A woman, that at the time, I considered to be a dear friend. She knew private things about me and all those things were used to turn others against me. Now, it is important to say it started with a true statement, I had over heard a conversation, and instead of getting an understanding like the Bible said, I went to someone that I trusted and told them what I had heard. A few days later, after I talked to one of the ladies in the original conversation, I got the information I was missing and went back to clear it up with the person I told. To me, it was over and I never mentioned it again. A few months later, rumors began surfacing that said I had said "this friend" of mine was pregnant and sleeping with her boyfriend. I was floored, nothing like that had come out of my mouth and what I had said was not even close to it. So, my pastor approached me and asked me if I had said this. I denied it and told him what I had said.
I could tell that he was skeptical of my words and said that we would have a meeting. (He, my accusers, and me). I agreed to the meeting. I will just let you know that meeting never happened but the rumors of what I said grew and grew. Now I take responsibility for what I did but I also did clear it up or so I thought. The real pain came in when they used my mother to speak against me. She, my mother, trying not to be dishonest in any matter told them things that were confidential between she and I because she did not want to seem like she was withholding anything. Now my mother gets nervous under pressure and she will forget to say important things and after think, "Man I should have said this or that." So you can only imagine, she forgot to say things and in her zeal to clear my name she gave them the ammunition to cause more damage.
Long story short, my friend went to others in the church and began to spread her side of the story and asking them had they heard me say things about her. They all said no! They even admitted, that her approaching them to tell them what I said was the first that they had heard it. When I got wind of it, I went to God, upset to put it nicely. I wanted revenge and I wanted it quickly. For months this misunderstanding went on and on. No meeting was ever scheduled to bring us all together to clear it up. I never got my day in court, you can say. So it went on and on,
One day she approached me and said she wanted to ask some questions. She asked the questions and I answered them honestly and truthfully. She then told me that she understood everything and that there was no reason for us to have a meeting it was all a big misunderstanding. However, my name was mud. I had no means of restoring my name. She had weaved a web that I was trapped in. I became sick. I started getting migraines, which I had not gotten for 10 years. I fell into depression, I did not want to leave my house the only time I left was to go to church and work.
Even though we supposedly had talked everything out, there was still things being said. The worst thing was that many other things started happening. It seemed I was always being called into the Pastor's office about something I said incorrectly to a member of the church, they were hurt by my words. Reflecting back I see now that hurt people; will hurt others and I am sure that many people felt my wrath not because they had done something wrong but because I was hurting and no one was offering me a safe haven to heal from the wounds that had occurred. It started to affect my ministry, during this time I had been an ordained Minister of the Gospel so my ministry so suffering right along with my soul, heart and mind.
Now I must admit I am only giving the high points so this blog doesn't become an ebook, but let me say this. It was blow after blow. I suffered many things at the hands of several people during this time. I would cry myself to sleep every night I wanted to defend my self but God told me no. I prayed and fasted. I became bitter towards God, how could God that loved me allow this to happen to me. Then the answer came about three years after all this had taken place, I was sitting in the sanctuary waiting for Bible Study to start and God spoke to me clearly, "Linda, you are doing all that you know how to live for me yet, if you don't change your path it will lead you to hell." The tears began to flow and I knew I could not make excuses any longer. That was my wake up call. I went from prayer line to prayer line looking for someone to help me get through this turmoil in my soul and I found no one that would. Most of them told me, "It happens, just get over it. You are a Minister, shame on you for not allowing God to work in your life." Needless to say, I was backed in the corner, so I turned to the one person I knew that could help me. God.
You are Bound No More.
Pastor Linda Hillman
