A new beginning and my flesh is not ready to die. It is fighting to stay alive and keep my mindset as it was before I started this journey. It has thoughts of its own about my journey. None of which are good and uplifting. However, I am determined to do what God says, how he says it and when he says it.
After my devotion today, I just felt beat up. Not by God, not even by my desire to be obedient to Him. It was the battle raging in the pits of the core of who I am and the purpose of what I am here to do. My flesh wants it one way, my spirit another. I had to speak to myself today and say: 'Hang on girl, it will get better. God's got your back and He is in control.' Then I went right out and blew it. Not just blew it but blasted it out of the water. So, I felt terrible. What did I do, God told me to give my last dollar to a homeless man. I took one look at the man and said no, this is my money and if I give it to him he will use it to buy drug and or acohol. Yes, I know I am not the only one that thinks that way. however, if it it was true, i knew God had told me to do it. So I was in blantant rebellion to God. So yes, when I walked away from him, I began to feel Godly sorrow.
I asked God to forgive me but i did not turn to correct it. Instead I gave in to the struggle within me. When I got home God remeinded of a post I read a few years ago and it spoke so much to me that I copied it and saved it as a word document on my computer. I opened it up and read it. Immediately, I knew what I needed to do. I left my house went back to the corner where the man had been sitting and gave him the dollar. I wish I could say that I felt better after that or that God made something amzing happen in return. What I can say is God reminded me delay obedience is still disobedience. I still got a ways to go!
Here is the Poem that I read from Pastor G. Murray:
You are Bound No More.
Pastor Linda Hillman
(c) 2015 LAH Ministries International
Booklindahillman@gmail.com
Get Your Copy Now
Will You Be Made Whole
In The Meantime
After my devotion today, I just felt beat up. Not by God, not even by my desire to be obedient to Him. It was the battle raging in the pits of the core of who I am and the purpose of what I am here to do. My flesh wants it one way, my spirit another. I had to speak to myself today and say: 'Hang on girl, it will get better. God's got your back and He is in control.' Then I went right out and blew it. Not just blew it but blasted it out of the water. So, I felt terrible. What did I do, God told me to give my last dollar to a homeless man. I took one look at the man and said no, this is my money and if I give it to him he will use it to buy drug and or acohol. Yes, I know I am not the only one that thinks that way. however, if it it was true, i knew God had told me to do it. So I was in blantant rebellion to God. So yes, when I walked away from him, I began to feel Godly sorrow.
I asked God to forgive me but i did not turn to correct it. Instead I gave in to the struggle within me. When I got home God remeinded of a post I read a few years ago and it spoke so much to me that I copied it and saved it as a word document on my computer. I opened it up and read it. Immediately, I knew what I needed to do. I left my house went back to the corner where the man had been sitting and gave him the dollar. I wish I could say that I felt better after that or that God made something amzing happen in return. What I can say is God reminded me delay obedience is still disobedience. I still got a ways to go!
Here is the Poem that I read from Pastor G. Murray:
The Struggle Within
Lord, I'm struggling.My spirit and my flesh are at war.My mind is split.I want to do what is right.But what I want to do, is what I don't always do.And what I don't want to do, I sometimes find myself doing.HELP ME LORD!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes, I think it.Sometimes, I say it.Sometimes, I do it.I need you Lord.
I'm struggling.I'm sitting on this pew, struggling.I'm sitting on this pulpit, struggling.CHURCH as usual is not helping me.I need someone that I can be my true self with.I need someone to pray with me.I need your strength.I need to talk about it.
I don't look like what I go through.I'm tired of looking religious...when I'm so torn inside.
There is a storm raging within me.The waters are surrounding me.The clouds are hanging over me.I'm sitting here trying to look holy, but the truth is Lord...I'm struggling.Everyday, I have to war against myself. It's ME against ME!
Lord you can bring the discipline, the word, the parameters that I am so desperately in need of.I thank you for your Word...it is a light for my path, and a lamp for my feet.I praise you for your love and kindness.There is a struggle going on in my mind Lord...There is a storm in my heart....And I know you are going to bring something out of my struggle.I know that it's going to work together for my good...
I need a Physician...
Bring peace to my spirit Lord...Calm to my fears.Speak to me on the deepest level of my existence.Lead me and Guide me.
I'm going to stay on this altar of sacrifice until...I am not going to give up.I will never give in...That's why I'm struggling.
I plan to fight the good fight.I plan to keep the faith.I plan to finish my course.
The Enemy is bigger than I.He wants to steal me, and kill me, and ulitmately destroy me.But I will never give up.You are bigger than my struggle.Your grace is sufficient.
I'm struggling [and] in the name of the Living God.I will be victorious.I am more than a conqueror.Jesus is My Help!
Written By Pastor G. Gregg Murray (c)Thanks for letting God use you Pastor Murray. I will never give up because God is bigger than my struggle. :)
You are Bound No More.
Pastor Linda Hillman
(c) 2015 LAH Ministries International
Booklindahillman@gmail.com
Get Your Copy Now
Will You Be Made Whole
In The Meantime
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